To be amused...

First, some background. The company I work for has been doing some remodeling on the floor below where I and about 100 other people work. Adjacent to this same area is, on one side an at grade railroad crossing (160db horns are loud) and connected to the space on the other yet another construction area. Needless to say it can be a bit loud at work.

Over a couple of weeks the following email interaction (without the pictures) took place between two employees on our floor speculating about the source of the many strange noises.

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From: Employee #1
Subject: the yeti is doing morse code

I think he’s trying to send us a message by banging on the pipes- his keepers must be out today. All I’ve deciphered so far is “water burn baby”

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From: Employee #2
Subject: RE: the yeti is doing morse code

January 15, 2007 Press Release:

First reported by Slavomir Racowiz in his epic and semi-fictional “The Long Walk”, the cryptozoological wonder of the Yeti remains a mere mystery to most westerners. The cloak of mystery surrounding the yeti is soon to be rent asunder. Despite the difficult and improbable nature of translating a language spoken by a creature with no substantiated evidence of its existence; the makers of OUR PRODUCT wish to announce the release of Yeti: Levels 1 and 2. Working with an onsite expert housed in a climate controlled environment the language experts have worked tirelessly to provide the Nepalese business traveler with every one of his Yeti wishes.

Yeti: Level 1 and 2 should allow said traveler to utter such timeless phrases as:

“Where is China?”

“I seem to have misplaced Everest”

“Frostbite, I have frostbite you hairy ape!”

“I apologize for burning you with my canteen”

“Thank you, I do not want to bear your love child.”

And the always useful:

“Stop beating me to death with my own arm”

Coming soon from OUR PRODUCT:

Look for further cryptolinguistic masterpieces such as:

Bigfoot

El Chupacabra

And for the sailing crowd, Mermaid Level 1 & 2 with the language of love supplement.

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From: Employee #1
Subject: RE: the yeti is doing morse code

Excellent. I have heard that Klingon has actually gotten more requests than a number of living, real languages that people don’t just speak at conventions about the explosion of Kronos and how their empire fell because of mis-managed energy and squandered resources, but used to communicate basic needs of any human being, such as “Learn how to use your turn signal, !@#$” or “I well give you half a penny-weight and a farthing of dubloons for the fore-shores of the eastern half of the mosquito coast of Thompson’s isle, in exchange for you allegiance to the ever-perfunctory serendipity of Queen Georgette of Haggis-mead on Jimminy-shale.” It’s much more important to know how to pronounce “Kahp-taan KhhhhaaaaaahhhhRkkkkk!”

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From: Employee #2
Subject: RE: the yeti is doing morse code

There should be a level devoted completely to curses, that would be AWESOME.

Suggestions?

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From: Employee #1
Subject: New neighbors?

They could combine it with the “Grizzled bachelor” and end up with acts 42 lines long. E.G.:

Where is the hardware store?

You don’t see many hardware stores nowadays, ever since…(42 lines)…and Randy Schladweiler never was the same again.

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From: Employee #1
Subject: New neighbors?

I think while we were away Thulsa Doom moved his snake clan into the 2^nd floor. Sounds like they’re forging weapons and torturing unbelievers down there. Oddly they’ve got a real love for classic rock, which might be part of the torture (how much Rush can one Conan take?) I think they might come for us soon, unfortunately, since Conan is out of action since taking his family on a ski trip to Krom’s mountain, where he sits and laughs at the four winds. Who will save us from these snake-charmers?

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From: Employee #1
Subject: Killer bees!

aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!

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From: Employee #2
Subject: RE: Killer bees!

Plague #1

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From: Employee #1
Subject: RE: Killer bees!

Plague #1 was donkeys wearing lipstick. Killer bees were plague #6, right after plague $5 “not enough toothpicks for the brie triangles at the hors d’ouevres table, and beluga caviar instead of the much higher quality sturgeon.”

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From: Employee #2
Subject: RE: Killer bees!

Plague #7 – Richard Simmons

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From: Employee #1
Subject: RE: Killer bees!

Plague #8: Cursing guys with buzz-saws, ladders, a yeti, and Rush albums working beneath you all day.

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From: Employee #2
Subject: RE: Killer bees!

Plague #9: The Plague

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From: Employee #1
Subject: RE: Killer bees!

Plague #10: Zombie Richard Simmons spreading the plague

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From: Employee #2
Subject: RE: Killer bees!

How can we tell plague #10 from plague #7 (or plague #1 for that matter)?

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From: Employee #2
Subject: RE: Killer bees!

You’re right, I bet mercenaries with shotguns, torches and zombie repellant are just as likely to show up at a zombified Armageddon as they are at a taping of Sweatin’ to the Oldies.

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From: Employee #1
Subject: RE: Killer bees!

Consider the following about the noises downstairs:

-Bad 80s music blasting, including “Life in the Fast Lane”

-A strange plumbing/hardware van parked out back

-Occasional roars

-Pounding noises which could be a basketball on the floor

-Clumps of hair in the drains

Conclusion: OUR COMPANY has captured Teen-Wolf and is making him do construction