The Rules

Political rule #1: Reducing your opponent to giggles is not a good sign. (See Feingold vs. Michels)

Political rule #2: After using the internet to do most of your campaigning do not do anything stupid (like screaming) at a rally in Iowa that can be easily downloaded. (See Dean)

Political rule #3: Having your name be used in a derogatory way by Dan Savage will end that name and probably end you. Forever. Try to avoid making Dan Savage angry.

Political rule #4: Calling the guy video-taping you a racial slur is not just dumb it’s “Cro-Magnon beating himself with a club” dumb.

Political rule #5: Realizing as an adult (and after many derogatory comments towards your apparent heritage) you’re the offspring of one of the most powerful Jewish families in the U.S. does not demonstrate a particularly high level of introspection or self-awareness.

Political rule #6: Naming your son after the founder of the KKK will at some point come back to bite you in the butt, even in the south.

Political rule #7: Thank you, Jon Stewart: Don’t claim to be a big game hunter one day, and the next reveal that you in fact have only hunted “varmints” from your back yard - - you can only claim you are a “big game hunter” if you have, in fact, shot a close friend in the face.

But if you go way over the top and do the deed everyone thinks is a lie you can still be elected, for instance:

Doing business (and in fact shaking hands) with Saddam Hussein (Cheney, Rummy)

Making fun of people with disabilities (as in those going blind) (Bush)

Owning a large share of a company scarily like OCP from Robocop (Cheney)

Calling a reporter a bad name in front of a live mic. (Bush)

Being one of a group to constantly remind someone else of “Chappaquiddick” when your own wife had her own “Chappaquiddick” (Bush, again)

Going AWOL for 2 years during ‘Nam and then hiring a complete staff of hawks that all skipped out on the war….. and/or coordinated the Iran-Contra affair. (Bush, Cheney, Rummy, Wolfie, and Negroponte, respectively)

Leading the war on drugs while having snorted enough nose candy at Yale to support Colombia’s economy for a full decade